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Wapping: How Terrible Thames is part river tour, part anarchic theatre show

Co-written by Terry Deary of Horrible Histories fame, the boat trip departs daily

Terrible Thames lasts 45 minutes and sails from Tower Bridge to Parliament and back

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REVIEW

There’s real depth to Terrible Thames.

I’m not just talking about the part of this touring play that deals with Julius Caesar crossing the river with an elephant when the whole body of water was much wider and shallower.

I’m referring to the sheer displaced tonnage of gruesome facts and aquatic curiosities that Horrible Histories author Terry Deary and Birmingham Stage Company actor manager Neal Foster have filled this 45-minute show with.

The former is well known for celebrating the brutal and shocking as a way to engage minds young and old in the study of the past.

The latter has long been a partner in bringing his written works to the stage.

But this collaboration – running every day over the summer holidays – is truly something different, seating its audience on the top deck of a boat and taking them on a cruise through the landmarks its inspired by.

Passengers take to the top deck of Silver Sockeye – part of Woods Silver Fleet – for a trip up the river to the Houses Of Parliament before heading back to Wapping and returning to base at Tower Quay Pier.

The show itself rests on the premise of a long-suffering teacher taking an excitable and enthusiastic student on a trip up the Thames as a treat for winning the school history prize.

The twist in the tale, of course, is that the teenager knows far more about London and the river’s horrific history than the teacher – thanks, it seems, to a suspiciously high number of informative relations who have all played their parts in the city’s story over the years.

From the audience’s point of view, it’s a hectic barrage of information. Dozens of anecdotes and morsels bubble up to the surface as the two performers coordinate their material with the passing sights. 

The show takes place on the top deck of a boat

We learn about executions, plague, fire, suicide and even a boating disaster, in all their gory details as London slips by.

Perfectly timed sound effects provide aural punctuation as the actors dice and slice imaginary victims to the obvious delight of both adults and children.

And while there’s an inevitable focus on the violent and terrifying, there’s a lot more to this show than just blood and guts.

For example, Cleopatra’s needle is revealed to be nothing to do with its namesake but rather an obelisk carved in the time of Thutmose III.

Similarly, we also learn that Waterloo Bridge was largely built by women during the war in the 1940s and that Vikings led by King Olaf of Norway (probably) pulled down a wooden iteration of London Bridge using cables and longships to help beat the Danes who had taken control of the city.

The flow of information is thicker than the Thames would have been during the big stink and even printing these spoilers doesn’t make a dent in the overall experience. 

It’s a trip that works on many levels. For the kids there’s poo, songs, rude words and an irreverent youngster showing up his teacher. 

The show takes place on board Silver Sockeye, part of Woods Silver Fleet

For adults there are plenty of political references and opportunities to groan in a knowing way at the odd heavy handed pun.

For the tourists it’s a breathtaking barrage of information and tales that would never find their way into scripts for more staid, serious tours.

Then – crucially, for Londoners – there’s such a wealth of stories that there’s almost certainly going to be several tales they haven’t heard before – a new way to see the river that for so long provided the lifeblood of the capital and remains its twisting backbone.

It’s also a testament to the writers that they haven’t tried to shy away from anything. 

In addition to the gore and heads on spikes, there’s a poignant reminder that so much of London’s wealth and prosperity rests on Britain’s enthusiastic, mercenary appetite for the slave trade with slavers compensated for their losses when abolition eventually arrived.

All in all, this is a truly refreshing way to see the city with fresh eyes – oh, and there’s a good old shanty to round things off. 

  • Tickets for Terrible Thames start at £25 for adults and £15 for children aged 3-15. Babies and toddlers go free. Shows take place daily over summer 2023 and tickets can be booked here
James plays the role of Billy The Student in Terrible Thames

CREWING THE SCENERYJames Elliott, Billy The Student

“I really enjoyed Horrible Histories – the books and the TV shows – as a kid, so I was buzzing when I got an audition for Terrible Thames in 2021,” said James, who plays boisterous 13-year-old Billy in the production.

“They asked me to film an interactive horror tour around a London flat, so all my housemates helped out and we ended up with a really funny video that got me the job and I’ve been doing it ever since.”

Having attended Stagecoach, James went on to attend drama school in Guildford, graduating into an acting world ravaged by Covid.

“There was nothing much going on, so I spent a lot of time sitting on my thumbs for the first year before this role came along,” he said.

“The Thames is such a gorgeous place in the summer with the light shining off the water – it’s really magical. I really like that Billy gets to do a couple of songs during the show.

“There’s one about poo, which the kids really love, so I direct it at the adults who don’t quite know where to look, which is also good fun.

“Of course there are lots of other cruises and history tours on the river, but there’s nothing else like this. It’s fun, fast-paced and super informative – a show that’s great for kids and adults.

“It’s a play while also being a tour – audiences will learn about so many things from Execution Dock in Wapping all the way up to Parliament, two miles up the river.

“The reaction I’ve had from family and friends is that they’ve learnt so much about London from going on the trip.”

Jake plays the role of The Teacher in Terrible Thames

CAST OFFJake Addley, The Teacher

Playing the role of The Teacher, Jake Addley is a member of the current rotating cast of Terrible Thames.

Essentially the more sensible and serious of the two characters, whose pomposity is constantly pricked by his exuberant student.

Jake said: “I started off as a child actor, appearing in Shakespeare plays and pantomimes from about the age of 10 at an arts centre in Bracknell.

“Then I got an opportunity to attend the Brit School when I was 16 and my career went from there. I wanted to be a dancer for a long time, so I was in a contemporary dance group.

“From the age of 18, I was appearing professionally.

“About two years ago I was performing in another show and got asked if I wanted to audition for Terrible Thames – I did so and got the part.

“Having the river as your set is amazing, especially if it’s a nice sunny day – cruising up and down between all these iconic buildings and historic monuments.

“However, because the tide goes in and out the speed of the boat up and down stream can change completely so as performers we have to alter what we’re doing depending on that.

“Performing with James is great because initially I was coming into it new whereas he’s an old hand – when we’re chopping and changing things he’s a real pro.

“My favourite fact on the tour is that the Ministry Of Defence building still has Henry VIII’s wine cellar underneath it, which I had no idea about.

“I’m also embarrassed to say that before I got this role, I had no idea Cleopatra’s Needle was on the Thames, despite living in London.”

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- Jon Massey is co-founder and editorial director of Wharf Life and writes about a wide range of subjects in Canary Wharf, Docklands and east London - contact via jon.massey@wharf-life.com
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Tower Bridge: How Terrible Thames floats Horrible Histories down the river

Woods Silver Fleet operates the boat hosting the shows from its Tower Quay Pier in east London

Terrible Thames co-writer and director Neal Foster and Kate Woods of Woods Silver Fleet
Terrible Thames co-writer and director Neal Foster and Kate Woods of Woods Silver Fleet – image Matt Grayson

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It’s fair to say the Woods family have some history with the river.

Thames Watermen since 1866, Lillian and Alfred Woods launched sightseeing tours of the capital from the Tower Of London in the early part of the 20th century – an enterprise that boomed in the 1950s around the Festival Of Britain. 

Lillian then encouraged her son Alan with his idea to gradually build the Silver Fleet – a series of vessels built for the Thames in Kent and Suffolk shipyards. 

While Alan remains chair of the company, today its course is steered by the next generation – siblings Thomas, William and Kate – who have spent the last two decades overseeing its growth as a provider of luxury river cruise ships for events and private charters. 

Over the years the Silver Fleet has welcomed film stars, politicians and members of the royal family on board – and that remains its core business.

But history also has a funny way of coming full circle and, in possession of refurbished 1980s vessel Silver Sockeye and, having acquired Tower Quay Pier, the family has made a move back to sightseeing, albeit with a fairly big difference. 

“We had this boat, which was built by my father with a lot of love – it was looking fantastic after its refurbishment, with all the lovely woodwork inside – and we thought it would make the best sightseeing cruise in London,” said Kate Woods, who works as design and development director at Woods’ Silver Fleet.

“We also thought there was nothing on the river to entertain children, so we looked and looked and, without really understanding how Horrible Histories worked, we approached Neal with the idea that we were Thames Watermen with a nice history and that it would be an interesting idea to bring the brand to the Thames.

“We’d also bought the pier by Tower Bridge, which is a great location, so we were absolutely delighted when it fired him up.”

Silver Sockeye in here Terrible Thames livery
Silver Sockeye in here Terrible Thames livery

Neal, by the way, is Neal Foster – actor manager of the Birmingham Stage Company, resident at The Old Rep Theatre and the man responsible for bringing Terry Deary’s Horrible Histories to the stage worldwide as well as conceiving performances under its irreverent cartoon umbrella for the likes of Warwick Castle.

Woods’ approach resulted in Terrible Thames, a tour unlike any other on the river in that it’s a full blown theatrical performance complete with sound engineer, soundtrack and an ever-changing backdrop as the boat makes its way to Parliament and circles back to Tower Quay Pier via Execution Dock at Wapping. 

Co-written by Neal and Terry, one of the biggest challenges for the team was adapting the content to the speed of the boat – something that constantly changes and is dictated largely by the ebb and flow of the tide.

“We’ve been doing Horrible Histories since 2005 and in the West End for 10 years, but we’d never done it on a boat,” said Neal.

“I was instantly attracted to the idea – I’ve always loved rivers. If I’m visiting a city, I’ll always head for a trip on a boat, so being on a boat for long periods suits me very well.

“It was also clear there was an awful lot of history in the section of the Thames we’d chosen to work with, so wherever possible we decided we wanted to attach it to whatever you could actually see from the boat. 

“When we were writing the show, the two biggest problems were that firstly I didn’t know where the audience’s attention would be – whether they would be looking at the actors or at London going past.

“It turns out they were looking at the actors a lot more than expected so we had to make sure the characters really pointed to the things they were talking about. 

“The second issue was the change in speed – you could almost say no two trips are ever the same – so the script had to be adaptable to cope with that while still being manageable for the actors, all while performing for the audience. 

“That’s why we’ve had to rehearse thoroughly – you need actors who can think on their feet and react quickly.

“It’s a bit like doing Hamlet, but the ghost might appear at the end of the play instead and you have to kill Claudius three acts early.

“It’s why you need the sound engineer – to make sure everything happens at the right time.”

The show features a student and a teacher on a trip down the Thames
The show features a student and a teacher on a trip down the Thames

Terrible Thames cruises run regularly at weekends and during school holidays – with a full complement of half term sailings from May 30 to June 3.

“With stories constantly updated and added, it’s a 45-minute ride designed to impart knowledge with plenty of humour and the brand’s customary gore.

“The whole thing that Terry is doing with Horrible Histories is to tell you the history you don’t know or that the stories you think you know are actually completely different,” said Neal. 

“One of the captains working on the boats said that he had been on the river for 20 years and he hadn’t ever known any of the stories, and that’s a chap who has lived and breathed the river.

“It really is something for Londoners as well as visitors to the capital.

“When we were writing it, Terry came up with the great idea of it being hosted by a teacher and a student who has won their school history prize and is being taken on the trip as a treat.

“The student and their family have been on the river all their lives so they are quite confident they know more about its history than the reluctant teacher. So it then becomes a battle about who knows more. 

“There are 40 or 50 stories in the show, which takes in Tower Bridge, HMS Belfast, Cleopatra’s Needle, Parliament and the Gunpowder Plot – which was really on November 4 – Boadicea destroying London, the Golden Hind and even people fleeing the Great Plague by hiding on boats on the river, who died because that’s where the rats all were.”

Kate added: “I’ve been really touched by people’s reactions to it.

“With all the trained Thames watermen, there’s a real London feel to the whole experience and it’s been put together with so much love, from the actors to the illustrations on the boat that were hand-drawn especially for us.

“There’s something about the two brands going together that works so well.

“It’s been really well received, and we were sold out at Easter, but we do sometimes have walk-in spaces so if you’re in the area, it’s always worth checking the timetable.”

Terrible Thames cruises take place at weekends, daily in school holidays and on occasional days during term time to accommodate tourists and school visits.

  • Adult tickets cost £22 off peak and £25 on peak, with kids costing £14-£15 respectively. Under-3s go free and family tickets cost £65-£72 for two adults and two kids.

Bookings can be made here

The Terrible Thames cruises leave from Tower Quay Pier
The Terrible Thames cruises leave from Tower Quay Pier

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- Jon Massey is co-founder and editorial director of Wharf Life and writes about a wide range of subjects in Canary Wharf, Docklands and east London - contact via jon.massey@wharf-life.com
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